I am teetering on the edge of an overwhelming urge to tap out. I have no will or desire in me to keep trying. Trying to find an ounce of something, anything in me to want to get my life together and make some sort of a legacy my kids will at the very least just know I tried and moved forward and didn’t embarrass them . I’m not looking for sympathy and not planning to end my life (I have come close many times in the last several months I have wanted to sleep and not wake up. I have lived on and off w a true narcissist who has done so much damage to my mind, my overall well being. To live with a narcissist is truly hell. When you aren’t aware a narcissist is a soulless and evil person who truly loves and lives for making you feel crazy . It’s like when you become aware of what they are it’s as though you are happy , elated because a huge part of the crazy gets lifted and you realize you weren’t imagining things. The games they play will have you second guessing everything you see. Everything you feel. The damage is really something. The damage to my confidence, my heart, my soul…everything is broken. Scarred with so many layers that you just exist. You aren’t living, merely existing.
These last several months have been probably the worst time of my life. I realize I need to do this website. Blog. Be accountable and if people actually read my words and follow my story I feel as though I HAVE to show up everyday and even make strangers the ones I need to have in my life so they are someone I have to answer to so to speak. If I don’t do this, I will not try for just me. I think I have to know that what I’m doing, changing my life will be the thing I need to make changes. Does that make sense? I am so sad right now. I have been for some trine and it’s a sadness that doesn’t go away.
Who knows where this is going, where it will end. If I don’t do something now I’m afraid I will die. I’m almost certain of it.
I’m praying to you God. I’m praying I will get this right and I’m asking you please to allow me to get this rental returned without any trouble. I just need one more day. It will be returned before the a.n I need to make a little money today and just ask that you watch over me. I will write out a contract and pay the company daily and own the responsibility. Please don’t let me get into any more trouble. I read my background report and it made me so sad. I’ve seen it before but today it just made me so very sad and ashamed.
Nov 2023
Here it is all these months later and I did the usual nothing. I get these bursts of hope and promise and genuine signs of life in me… and then in a blink of an eye they are gone. I have spent many days just staring out the window. Thinking and thinking, always thinking. My phone has been hacked so many times by my ex and his band of troll roommates that it consumes way too much time of mine and depletes what little energy I have. Constantly in the phone, filling out reports, having phone company reset things Repairing y credit. Driving a car that leaves me stranded several times a day. Missing my two cats more than anything. Not having a plan or a sense of direction is really a big part of it. ‘It” being the lack of motivation or the drive to change.
Well today’s a new day. I’m alive and I can keep living as I do or start to change it little by little. It won’t be easy. Last night I watched one of the best movies EVER. It was about the swimmer Naya that swam from Cuba to Florida and made it on her 5th try. It was incredible. I loved the will and determination and I was sobbing at the end. So happy and when she was reliving what her coach did to her, my heart was breaking into a million pieces. She is one of the most amazing women ever. I will keep repeating her words to not ever, EVER give up. This week I will see a dentist so I can get a great smile back into my life. I will make my Drs appnt. I will start walking and eating healthy. I am so sick of how I look right now. I will blog daily. Promise.
Transforming Me. 